The 11 commandments to get your child to sleep + anti-monster method

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Bedtime is approaching and, like every night, your young children protest to go to bed. They have all kinds of excuses. They say they are not tired, when their eyes clearly say otherwise. They say they are hungry or thirsty or need to hear one story and then another….

You regularly apprehend this bedtime ritual. You have applied many strategies but nothing works. Some experts say that it is important not to give in and that the key would be to remain firm. But this regular war of nerves ruins your evenings, stresses you out and tires you out.

Having myself 2 boys (8 and 9 years old), I too encountered these difficulties. Yet being a sleep expert, I made quite a few mistakes that only made the problems worse. I then wanted to understand why some families had difficulty getting their child(ren) to sleep in the evening and why others never experienced these constraints.

In the following lines, I will reveal some tips that will allow you, if you apply them, to finally find the joy of sleeping your children in serenity and calm.

1. Adapt the intensity of the light according to the day. During the day, it is important to expose your child to daylight as much as possible. Obviously, this requires a minimum of common sense in order to protect it from UV rays with sunscreen. Conversely, in the evening, favor rather subdued atmospheres. All of these procedures will amplify the variations in body temperature and therefore increase the level of energy during the day and decrease it at bedtime. For more details on the effects of light on sleep, read one of my previous articles.

2. Establish a bedtime routine for your child. It is important to set up soothing activities such as reading a book, listening to certain nursery rhymes or just calm and reassuring discussions. This stage, which could be compared to a "decompression chamber" before going to bed, is all the more important when the children are young.

3. Make sure your child's room is quiet and dark enough at night. If you need to change or feed your baby at night, do it calmly. Make as little noise as possible, do not move him more than necessary and speak to him in a low voice so as not to stimulate his sensory modalities too much. Gradually reduce the frequency of the bottles, which will reduce your child's awakenings. As a general rule, a baby does not need to be fed at night after 6 months.

4. Teach your child to fall asleep on their own. It is therefore crucial that your child falls asleep in his bed and not in your arms or elsewhere (parents' bed, sofa, etc.). His brain will more quickly associate his own bed with falling asleep. Therefore, if your child wakes up during the night, put him to sleep in his bed. Try not to pick him up or he'll associate his crying with the reward for your hugs. Of course, he will calm down, but he still won't be able to fall asleep on his own. Of course, it is important to reassure him and make him understand that there is no danger. Stay close to him if necessary but leave him in his bed. He must find the inner resources necessary to fall asleep alone.

5. Limit the length of naps. Napping is important for your child's development. Nevertheless, at the age of 3-4 years, your child may have trouble falling asleep at night because he has slept too much during his nap. In this case, try to reduce the duration of naps during the day. It is true that some schools impose naps on all children without worrying about their individual needs. As a result, your child will shift his sleep period.

6. Avoid a sedentary lifestyle for your children. It is important to promote sports activities for your children during the day. This will increase their body temperature and therefore the amplitude of their circadian rhythm. To learn more about the benefits of exercise on sleep, read this previous article. Also reduce their time spent in front of screens in the evening (television, game console, tablet, computer, etc.). The blue light from these screens will stimulate the retina and limit the secretion of melatonin necessary for falling asleep.

7. Avoid stimulating drinks in the evening like coca-cola, chocolate and tea. Even in small doses, these substances will block the action of a substance which accumulates in the brain during the waking phase and which in the evening promotes falling asleep.

8. Try to be aware of when your child shows signs of fatigue. If you notice signs of fatigue and the time is right, go to bed with your child. On the other hand, if he is not tired, extend bedtime by fifteen minutes by reading him a story or singing a song to him. “The train of sleep” will inevitably pass again and its drowsiness will appear.

9. Do not dramatize in front of the child the difficulties he has in falling asleep for example: "if you don't hurry to sleep, tomorrow you will be tired and you will not be able to learn properly at school". This approach may stress your child and further limit their ability to fall asleep. Know that stress and anxiety are major causes of insomnia in children as in adults.

10. Don't let your child leave his bed after bedtime on the pretext of going to the bathroom, drinking a glass of water or an extra hug. Be firm so that this behavior does not become a bedtime habit. Encourage verbal rewards upon waking by praising him for his behavior the night before.

11. Never put a child to bed to punish him for a bad deed. Your child will associate this discomfort with his bed, which will increase his stress and create difficulty falling asleep. Again, the bed should be associated exclusively with sleep.

3 tips to fight against the monsters that prevent your children from sleeping:

Before giving you these tips, have you ever asked yourself the following questions: Why is it so difficult for a child to fall asleep alone in bed? Why are children afraid of the dark? Why are they afraid of monsters hiding under their bed or in their closet? Why are they protesting to go to bed when sleep is clearly good for them?

This protest to go to bed is unique to Western and Westernized cultures. In all other cultures, infants and young children sleep in the same room and, usually, in the same bed with the presence of an adult never far away. In these cultures bedtime protests are non-existent. It would even be considered cruel to leave a child alone in the dark to fall asleep.

This behavior of fear of the dark would be an ancestral behavior. Thousands of years ago, we all lived in a world where any young child, alone, in the dark, would have been a tasty snack for nocturnal predators. The monsters under the bed or in the closet were very real, prowling in the jungle or the savannah, sniffling, not far from the camp. In these conditions, the protection of adults was essential. Only a crazy person or an extremely careless person would leave a small child alone at night. At the slightest protest from the child, an adult would have come to the rescue. It would therefore be a survival instinct that would have persisted in our unconscious.

The protests of children to go to bed are therefore not just whims but real unconscious fears that are difficult to reason and control. The child's fear seems irrational, just as it is irrational to think that the child must learn to overcome this fear.

However, do not let your child free himself from his fears by making him sleep in your bed because he will have even more difficulty falling asleep on his own. Some techniques prove to be effective such as:

1. Leave a small nightlight in his room and leave the door ajar. Gradually reduce the intensity of the pilot light and the opening of the door.

2. Teach your child mental relaxation methods. Use his language. Ask him to close his eyes and imagine a calming, reassuring scene. Solicit his imagination with fantasy or superhero characters that could reassure him.

3. Limit violent images and TV programs. As an adult, this seems insignificant to us, but these images not understood by children are interpreted at their levels and can create heavy anxieties. Sometimes it is important to explain to children the difference between fact and fiction. Depending on their ages, they have great difficulty in distinguishing the real world from their imaginary world. Reassure them, convince them of their safety and they will sleep like babies.

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