The Karpman triangle trap

February 01, 2023

Have you ever wanted to help someone and finally it backfired?For example, you tried to help this student. You have devoted time and energy to it, but he remains dissatisfied with your help.

Here is ! You have fallen into the famous Karpman triangle psychological game!

When you are in the helping relationship, such as teaching, training, school coaching, you are likely to fall into the trap of the Karpman triangle.

This trap is a psychological game that not only ruins your aid intervention but also backfires and drains your time and energy.

Karpman’s triangle.

Stephen Karpman in 1968 highlighted this psychological game in human relations, especially when there is a helping relationship at the start [1].

The person who wants to help is in the position of savior and the person who is helped is in the position of victim.

Of course, all this is unconscious. No one is going to say take ! I’m going to save this person ” or ” I will purposely put myself in the position of a victim, it’s so comfortable “.

Karpaman has seen that the person helped (the victim) at some point, for different reasons, will be dissatisfied with the help provided. In different ways, more or less visible, she will blame her situation on the person who helps.

In her criticism, the manifestation of her dissatisfaction will put her in the position of a persecutor.

The caregiver, faced with these criticisms, becomes a victim in spite of herself.

Having devoted time and energy and perhaps even money, after a while, you will say that enough is enough! She will feel a certain ingratitude and rebel, show her dissatisfaction. She then becomes a persecutor in her turn.

And the person helped in the face of this protest will try to calm things down, to play the role of peacemaker in the situation. She finds herself in “savior” mode! Savior of a relationship.

So everyone changes roles depending on their feelings and emotions. It makes a triangle.

This is the famous “Karpman’s triangle”.

This modeling of the decay of a relationship that leads to a form of conflict finds its inspiration or its origin in transactional analysis, a school of which Karpman is one of the most famous representatives.

Transactional analysis was initiated at the end of the 1950s by the Swiss psychoanalyst Éric Berne

“Psychological Games”

The school of transactional analysis assumes that “psychological games” are set up in a hellish way, like board games which can be played almost indefinitely until one of the players wins. and the other loses. The relationship becomes a battleground of crisis that puts a strain on the ego.

To stay on the level of the ego, in the case of the Karpman triangle, it is often the victim who “wins”: she feeds on the energy of the savior which in the long run is exhausted. It reinforces its comfortable position of victim.

There are other psychological games like:

“Ball Trap” which consists of asking for help when you feel in difficulty while systematically opposing a whole host of inaccessible conditions when solutions are proposed. It’s the “yes, but!” »

Yes, you’re right, I should talk to him, that’s the solution. But, I’m sure he/she won’t want to listen to me. It’s impossible to communicate with a person as twisted as him/her… “.

In an educational context, this would look like this: indeed I would have to know my way of learning, of course… But now is not the time, I am preoccupied with other things.

“The Dog Master” which consists in passing off abuses of authority as legitimate demands.

It is in the name of a noble cause: It is not for pleasure that I am hard on you. It’s for your own good !

In an educational context, “I’m depriving you of a screen and going out until you’ve done all your homework for the week. Yes it may be hard, but you will thank me in a few years when you can have a good professional situation.

Finally there is the “emotional racketeering” which consists in seizing all the discussion space by an undivided expression of explosive emotions (black anger, crying fits, giggles, etc.) in order to avoid or delay the moment of looking at a problem in front and treat it.

All these psychological games are unconscious, and do not start with a bad intention at the start.

And if we are not careful, unfortunately the relationship becomes the minefield of an ego war based on misunderstandings, dull resentments or indigestible frustrations.

What solutions to avoid falling into the psychological game?

Many mind games are avoided in the practice of good interpersonal communication, especially in conflict situations.

For this, communication between individuals must be:

frank, respectful and loyal (make the effort to say what bothers him/her… without making any innuendo);

speak to the right person and (not to third parties who can only listen and/or take sides).

For this, non-violent communication or CNV provides interesting tools.

The basic principle is to express what you feel and avoid criticizing.

For example: I feel disrespected when you do such an action.

When I explain the problem to you to help you, I have the impression that you don’t care, that you don’t want to. I don’t feel respected.

The triangle of winners

To get out of the Karpman triangle, in 1990 Acey Choy developed a process he called the winning triangle.

For Acey Choy the solution to get out of the infernal triangle is to not not take on a role.

How ?

  • From victim, we become “vulnerable”. It is the acceptance of a weakening, but temporary.

  • From a persecutor, one becomes “assertive”. It is a position that allows you to express your needs, with words that avoid hurting or accusing.

  • From savior, we become “benevolent”. It is a position where the suffering of the other is recognized with a posture of listening. We avoid imposing our point of view.

Concretely, here is what it gives:

  1. Do you tend to save others? Think that helping is not playing the saint bernard. When you want to intervene, ask yourself if the person you want to help has really expressed a request, if they are ready to make an effort, to get out of their comfort zone with the effort or if you will (still) expend a lot of energy which will only go in one direction.

  2. The other tends to complain? Refer the person to his responsibility by using the technique of reformulation.

For example with a student, it can give this: “JI can’t because I’m dyslexic. » You can rephrase: « OK, you have a certain handicap, but are you sure you can’t do it, you haven’t tried! »

” It is normal to have difficulties, not to succeed. You can’t learn without making mistakes, it’s impossible “.

  1. Do you tend to get angry? Get in the habit of seeing things from a different perspective. How ? By becoming aware of the mechanisms of the psychological game.

Think that the other in itself is not malevolent. He probably overdue. Affirm your disagreement, in all benevolence by expressing your feelings.

Sources and references

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